Parentification

Parentification is a form of parental neglect in which a child is pressed to assume a caretaker role and provide practical and/or emotional support to the adult. Such children, who are often referred to as parentified children or adultified children, often take on the parenting role by caring for younger siblings as well as caring for the adults in their lives. Parentification robs children of their childhood by forcing them to shoulder adult responsibilities.

Parentification arises for many reasons. Single parents, for example, may expect older children to assume parental duties while the parent is working. The parent may expect the older child to cook for younger children and make sure they complete their homework. In some cases, the older child takes on the parenting role because of family instability, such as that caused by substance abuse. The child may fear that the family will fall apart if they do not assume the parent’s responsibilities.

Background

The concept of childhood is a relatively modern invention. Until the nineteenth century, infant mortality in Western civilizations was high. Life was arduous, with high mortality rates for all ages due to illnesses and injuries. Children were necessary to a family’s survival. For example, in the Middle Ages, children were put to work as soon as they were capable of handling tasks. Even young children might care for a younger sibling or be sent on errands. By puberty, about twelve years for girls and fourteen years for boys, children were regarded as adults. They could marry, perform adult jobs, and be punished for crimes as adults.

In the primarily agricultural United States of the sixteenth through eighteenth centuries, many children worked on family farms. Like children of earlier centuries, they carried water from the well, brought in firewood, maintained a fire, milked cows, and collected eggs. Younger children helped in the house, learning to cook, bake, make candles, sew, knit, and wash clothes. By the age of nine, many boys and girls worked in the fields and gardens, weeding, plowing, planting, and hoeing.

The twentieth century saw changes in approaches to childhood in many countries. Labor laws ensured that children went to school rather than to work on farms, in factories, and in mines. During the later nineteenth century, psychiatrist Dr. Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy coined the term parentification. Boszormenyi-Nagy was one of the founders of family therapy and a founder of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

Overview

The two types of parentification are instrumental and emotional. These types may be parent-focused, meaning the adultified child is caring for the parent, or sibling-focused, in which the child or teen is the caregiver of one or more siblings. Instrumental parentification involves a host of responsibilities. The child may take care of siblings or other family members, such as grandparents; perform household duties such as cooking and cleaning; pay the bills; and serve as the translator if the adult does not speak the primary language of the country in which the family lives. Emotional parentification burdens a child with the adult’s problems. The adult confides in the child, who may offer him or her advice and emotional support. The child may be a mediator between a parent and another relative.

Researchers say adultification of children occurs in two types of families. One type is beset by drug or alcohol addiction, which prevents adults from being able to meet their responsibilities. The other type is the family in which adults do not understand boundaries and make the child a confidant. Parents who adultify their children frequently have complicated issues, including substance abuse, mental illness, a disability or serious medical condition, insufficient emotional support from other adults, or a childhood history of abuse or neglect. Other issues that could lead to parentification include financial hardship or the illness of a sibling, which consumes a parent’s attention and energy.

Addiction affects the entire family and often leads to adultification. When an addicted adult is incapable of providing care for children, an older child often takes on the burden. The child may fear that social services will separate the family. Children may be embarrassed by what is happening at home and work to cover up the parent’s shortcomings. They may also fret about what could happen to a parent who is driving drunk, for example.

Parentified children suffer not only because they lose their childhood, but also because they lose their relationships with siblings. Younger children may grow up resenting a sibling who sets limits and enforces rules.

When parentified children grow up, they may not understand the role they should have when they become parents. Many parentify their own children. They frequently choose partners who are dependent, so they can take on a parenting role in the relationship. Such unbalanced relationships often end due to frustration and resentment.

Some parents make the mistake of handing adult burdens to children when a relationship ends due to death, divorce, or separation. For example, it is inappropriate to tell a child that they are the man or woman of the house. However, it is acceptable to expect age-appropriate assistance with household chores and sibling care or an older child to carry a heavier load for a short time, such as when a parent is ill. While it is appropriate for parents to discuss their feelings with a child, it is inappropriate to depend on a child for emotional support. Parentification goes far beyond age-appropriate responsibilities by making a child feel as if they must protect the family or ensure adults’ happiness.

Symptoms of parentification in children may include anxiety, compulsive overworking, depression, feelings of guilt and shame, overwhelming worry, social isolation, and physical symptoms of anxiety and depression, which may include headaches and stomach aches.

The stress of parentification and other childhood traumas affects the brain. It causes the hippocampus, which regulates emotion, memory, and stress management, to shrink. Symptoms experienced by adults who were parentified as children may include difficulty functioning independently; a higher chance of chronic physical illness; inability to trust others; inappropriate sense of authority or entitlement; increased risk of anxiety, eating disorders, depression, and substance use disorders; and involvement in violent or otherwise unhealthy relationships.

Treatment for parentified children addresses the stress, neglect, and trauma they have experienced. Treatment may include many types of therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy and creative arts therapies.

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