Big Me by Dan Chaon
"Big Me" by Dan Chaon is a first-person narrative that explores the complex emotions and experiences of a man named Andy O'Day, who reflects on pivotal events from his childhood. Set against the backdrop of a small Nebraska town, the story delves into Andy's imaginative world as a dreamy twelve-year-old grappling with the impending breakup of his parents’ marriage. As he navigates his fantasies of being a detective, he becomes fascinated by a new neighbor, Louis Mickelson, whom he believes is an older version of himself from the future.
The narrative intertwines Andy’s childhood adventures with his adult life, revealing the stark contrast between his successful present and the troubled past of his family. Despite Andy's seemingly happy marriage and family life, he struggles with memories and blackouts from his youth, often choosing to remember himself as a detective rather than confronting painful realities. Themes of identity, family estrangement, and the impact of childhood trauma are prevalent, as Andy reflects on his relationships with his siblings and his late father. Ultimately, "Big Me" is a poignant exploration of how memories shape one's identity and the ways we cope with our histories.
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Big Me by Dan Chaon
First published: 2000
Type of plot: Psychological
Time of work: The 1980's
Locale: Beck, a small town in Nebraska
Principal Characters:
Andy O'Day , a thirty-two-year-old man recalling events that occurred when he was twelve years oldHis father , who dies of liver diseaseHis mother , who moves to MexicoMark O'Day , his brotherHis wife Louis Mickleson , his childhood neighbor and perhaps his adult double
The Story
"Big Me" is a first-person narrative, in which thirty-two-year-old Andy O'Day describes an odd series of events that happened when he was twelve years old, the year before his parents' marriage broke up. Andy explains that he has always been a dreamy child, living in a fantasy world.
In real life, the twelve-year-old Andy's parents run a bar in the small town of Beck, Nebraska, which has a population of fewer than two hundred people. To Andy, though, Beck is an imaginary town of two million, and he is the detective, protecting his city from crime. In his fantasy life, he performs feats such as saving the town from an evil werewolf, Mr. Karaffa, who in actuality is a high school teacher who dies of a heart attack.
One day, Andy notices a new neighbor is mowing the lawn. As he watches the man, he feels the man looks familiar. He comes to believe that the man, Louis Mickelson, is an older version of himself who has somehow traveled back in time. He does not know why Mickelson has done this and begins spying on him in hopes of discovering his secrets. Andy worries about the future and keeps a journal in which he writes to his future self, whom he addresses as "Big Me." He hopes his future self is happy, but if Mickelson is his future self, Andy worries that he has come back to warn of a disastrous future.
Andy goes as far as breaking into Mickelson's house and searching it. One day, as Andy is exploring a box of letters, Mickelson returns to the house. Andy knows he is invisible when he is the detective, and he creeps past Mickelson, who is staring at the television. However, as the adult Andy explains, that was the day Andy had his first blackout, a period of lost time.
Soon, Andy has collected evidence in a notebook, but it falls into the hands of Mickelson. As in any mystery story, the detective must confront his nemesis, who has been reading the notebook. Mickelson acknowledges that he has actually returned from the future and offers to whisper to Andy the secret of his future. However, Andy runs away and never sees Mickelson again, though he thinks of him regularly, whenever he lies to his family.
Interspersed with stories about his twelve-year-old self, the narrator describes his adult life. Andy is the only member of his family to have a successful, happy adult life. As he explains, he is happily married to a woman, whose name he never mentions, and they have beautiful daughters. Things have not gone well for the rest of his family. Andy is estranged from his mother, and his sister Kathy received a serious head injury in a car accident and now lives in a group home. Andy still sees his brother Mark, but Mark is bitter and obsessed with their terrible childhood. Mark insists Andy must remember events such as the time their father threatened them with a gun and the children had to hide in the junkyard behind their house. Andy has to admit that he recalls little of that time, except being the detective.
Andy's father is dead, but Andy had grown close to his dying father. They would meet and discuss Andy's time in law school and his girlfriend Katrina. However, as Andy explains, Katrina was just make-believe, a person Andy created so that his father did not worry about him. Andy acknowledges to his wife that he still has blackouts, and he admits that he still drifts off into moments of fantasy, but he is happy that his wife is there, speaking to him in a whisper.