If I Love You, Am I Trapped Forever? by Marijane Meaker

First published: 1973

Type of work: Social realism

Themes: Coming-of-age, family, gender roles, and love and romance

Time of work: The 1970’s

Recommended Ages: 15-18

Locale: A small town near Syracuse, New York

Principal Characters:

  • Alan Bennett, a high school senior, a good-looking, popular football player who wants to be a writer
  • Duncan Stein, a newcomer to the high school scene, tall, thin, balding, aloof, and cynical
  • Leah Pennington, Alan’s girlfriend, a pretty, popular cheerleader
  • Alice Bennett, Alan’s mother, who is supportive and understanding
  • Ken Kinney, Alan’s father, who lives in New York City with his second wife
  • Catherine Stein, Duncan’s stepmother, a tall, beautiful woman who becomes Alan’s friend
  • Lucius Luther, the school’s football coach, a onetime football hero

The Story

If I Love You, Am I Trapped Forever? is a coming-of-age novel, narrated by the protagonist, Alan Bennett. Although the plot unfolds with basically realistic events, there is an undertone of humor in the exaggerated stereotypes of the minor characters: Sophie Pennington, who considers each date a “case” to be psychoanalyzed; Norman Putman, who talks too much; Carleton Penner, who suffers from every disease he can think of; and Grandfather Bennett, the “put-down artist,” who does his best to keep Alan’s vanity in check. Underneath the humor, however, is the bittersweet pain of growing up and coming to terms with human failures and weaknesses.

As Alan’s senior year begins, he is the hero of the football team and is dating Leah Pennington, the prettiest girl in the senior class. Alan is anticipating a perfect year, but his little world begins to collapse when Duncan Stein moves into town. Duncan, with his unattractive appearance and aloof attitude, would hardly seem to be a threat to Alan, and he is immediately nicknamed “Doomed.” Yet the senior girls become enthralled by Duncan’s newspaper, REMOTE, which celebrates unrequited love, and, suddenly, going steady goes out of style.

When Alan meets Catherine Stein, he becomes infatuated with her beauty and style and finds it hard to believe that she is Duncan’s mother. He later learns that she is his stepmother, and Duncan credits her with saving his father from alcoholism. Alan happens to observe an encounter between Catherine and his football coach, Lucius Luther. From the glances they exchange, he begins to suspect that they are becoming romantically involved, although he cannot understand how the glamorous Catherine could love Coach Luther, a definite “loser.”

Just before Thanksgiving, Alan flies to New York City to spend a weekend with his father and Pam, his father’s second wife. While in New York Alan discovers that Leah is planning a date with Duncan that same weekend. He falls into a gloomy mood, quarrels with his father, and returns home. At the airport he sees Coach Luther trying to comfort a weeping Catherine, and he remembers the earlier scene he witnessed. The next day in school, he confronts Leah about her relationship with Duncan. She denies that there is a relationship, claiming that she was simply curious. She leaves Alan a note, trying to explain her feelings: “I love you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not curious about other people. Love shouldn’t be a prison, anyway. If I love you, am I trapped forever?” Alan refuses to believe her, and his pride keeps them from being reconciled.

As Leah begins to date Duncan, Alan begins to visit Catherine Stein. They talk about books, and she encourages him in his plans to be a writer. By the end of their senior year, Duncan is a popular basketball player and is going steady with Leah Pennington, while Alan is now the outsider. He continues to meet with and fantasize about Catherine. Then, just as he convinces himself that they are becoming closer, he learns that she has left her husband and gone away with Coach Luther. Alan is left to cope with the pain of her loss, but there is a hint of a new beginning as he plans for college in the fall.

Context

If I Love You, Am I Trapped Forever? is the second in a series of young adult novels by M. E. Kerr. In this novel as well as later publications, Kerr writes about realistic situations, but she handles them with a touch of humor. She focuses on characters who are in some way different, who may be the victims of prejudice, and she shows these characters coping with the world around them. Little Little (1981) is the story of a dwarf, searching for a perfect mate in a world that does not understand. Love Is a Missing Person (1975) deals with racial relationships, while Him She Loves (1984) develops a Jewish-Gentile conflict. Because Kerr is writing about sensitive areas, some of her novels have provoked controversy. Gentlehands (1978) has been criticized for its positive characterization of a former Nazi, while What I Really Think of You (1982) has been cited for its negative picture of preachers and religion.

If I Love You, Am I Trapped Forever? is one of Kerr’s earlier novels, but it too introduces the issue of discrimination. Duncan is “Doomed” not only because of his appearance and antisocial attitude but also because he is of “the Jewish persuasion.” As in all her novels, however, Kerr handles this problem with a touch of humor. Kerr creates situations with which all young people can identify. She is not afraid to tackle controversial subjects and handles them with realism and humor.

Bibliography

Kerr, M. E. Blood on the Forehead: What I Know About Writing. New York: HarperCollins, 1998.

Kerr, M. E. Me, Me, Me, Me, Me: Not a Novel. New York: Harper & Row, 1983.

The M. E. Kerr and Mary James Web site. http://www.mekerr.com.

Meaker, Marijane. Highsmith: A Romance of the Fifties. San Francisco: Cleis Press, 2003.

Meaker, Marijane. “Marijane Meaker.” In Something About the Author. Vol. 20, edited by Anne Commire. Detroit: Gale, 1980.

Nilsen, Alleen Pace. Presenting M. E. Kerr. Updated ed. New York: Twayne, 1997.

Sutton, Roger. “A Conversation with M. E. Kerr.” School Library Journal 39, no. 6 (June, 1993): 24-29.