Assertiveness

Overview

"Assertiveness" is a quality of being able to communicate in a self-assured and confident way without being aggressive. It includes listening and negotiating, in addition to expressing one's own needs or preferences to another person, group, or organization. Being assertive implies strong self-esteem through a willingness to stand up for one's rights and decisions. It also is associated with the ability to negotiate and influence others, a skill that opens the door to leadership.

Assertiveness contributes to better physical health by reducing stress and allowing people to make better choices. For example, assertive people are less likely to be pressured into engaging in dangerous behavior such as using drugs or alcohol or entering into risky sexual situations. Individuals who are able to present their own beliefs using facts and logic are less likely to yield to peer pressure or resort to aggression to manipulate people. Those who are not naturally assertive can learn skills that help them respond appropriately in challenging circumstances. By attending assertiveness training and practicing in a nonthreatening environment, useful phrases can more naturally be introduced into real-life situations. As confidence builds, assertiveness becomes more natural.

Passive and Aggressive Behavior

Fear of others is usually the basis for non-assertive behavior. Fear leads the passive person to avoid having to disagree, while the aggressive person uses bullying tactics to overpower individuals the person fears. Lack of assertiveness can result in low self-esteem and a less fulfilling life. The person who cannot be assertive may be taken advantage of by others and easily defeated by another's assertive or aggressive approach. For example, a passive person might accept a monetary loss rather than face a salesperson to return a defective appliance to a store. At work, the passive person may not speak up when an aggressive colleague takes credit for their work, nor does a passive person defend themselves effectively if unfairly criticized by a supervisor. These failures reinforce feelings of shame and low self-esteem.

An aggressive person does not hesitate to say or do whatever it takes to meet a goal, without regard to the rights or feelings of others. Aggressive people often use anger, name-calling, and sarcasm to scare others into complying with their demands, essentially building themselves up by tearing others down. For example, loudly criticizing a coworker for an incomplete report might be an attempt to cover the fact that the aggressive person forgot to provide all necessary information.

Assertiveness Training

While assertiveness is a natural trait in some people who have outgoing personalities and high self-esteem, it is also a skill that may be learned by those who wish to reverse either passive or aggressive habits. In the process of learning to advocate for oneself, one can also raise one's self-esteem and contribute to a sense of confidence, independence, and control of emotions.

Assertiveness training involves numerous steps, beginning with showing the differences among passive, assertive, and aggressive behavior. The client identifies ways in which he or she would like to be more assertive and describes the situations in which assertiveness is most needed. The client notes specific people, feelings, fears, and goals related to each situation. The trainer or therapist helps the client develop a plan for approaching each situation in an assertive way, which includes practicing what to say, how to use body language, and how to compromise without being manipulated. Role-playing in group training gives clients the opportunity to practice the technique in a safe environment.

Assertiveness Techniques

In assertiveness training, therapists teach clients to recognize the situations in which they are unable to be assertive and work on methods of overcoming the problem. One tool used to teach assertiveness is the "I" message, in which the trainees learn to express how they feel when someone disappoints or offends them. For example, instead of sulking or becoming irate, the person might say, "When you forgot to pick me up after work, I felt angry and hurt." The phrase gets the message across without making accusations, calling names, or withdrawing into silence. The use of "I" statements reduces the likelihood of an aggressive response because it does not attack the opponent's point of view. For instance, if one student is trying to convince a second student to play volleyball and repeating "no, thank you" has not stopped the requests, the second student might say, "I can see how much you love volleyball, but I feel that my schedule is already too full."

Another technique is called "fogging." Fogging is a way to disarm an aggressive or sarcastic comment by agreeing with it, at least in part. Because it generally ends any discussion, it is not used when further communication is needed. A comment such as "You're late again—why don't you buy yourself a clock?" might be met with a reply such as "I am late. It's three minutes past eight. I guess I should reset my clock." The accuser, expecting an argument, is left with little to say. In other cases, the reply could acknowledge only part of what the aggressive speaker says. For example, a statement such as "You must be a glutton for punishment to buy another motorcycle" might be met with "I can see why you would think that," which does not indicate agreement but also does not lead to argument.

Using repetition, or the broken record technique, is a type of assertiveness that can be used to keep aggressive individuals from imposing on others. To fend off a person who will not take "no" for an answer, an assertive reply is simply repeated calmly until it is effective. For example, if an aggressive car salesperson is repeatedly steering a shopper toward large, expensive cars, the shopper might repeat, "No, I am looking for an economy car" until the salesperson shows the shopper the type of car they want.

Bibliography

"Assertiveness." Nemours Teenhealth, kidshealth.org/en/teens/assertive.html. Accessed 21 Oct. 2024.

"Assertiveness, Non-Assertiveness, and Assertive Techniques." University of Buffalo, socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/exercises/assertiveness-and-nonassertiveness.pdf. Accessed 21 Oct. 2024.

"Assertiveness Training." Encyclopedia of Emotion. Ed. Gretchen M. Reevy. Vol. 1. Santa Barbara, CA: Greenwood Press, 2010. 97-99. Print.

"Avoiding Conflict through Fogging." Newline Ideas. NewLine Ideas, 2014. Web. 19 Jan. 2014. http://www.newlineideas.com/team-fogging.html. Accessed 21 Oct. 2024.

Pfeiffer, Richard H. Real Solution Assertiveness Workbook. Growth Central, 2003. Google Books, books.google.com/books?id=eAkZYDUpfNsC. Accessed 21 Oct. 2024.

Potts, Conrad, and Suzanne Potts. Assertiveness: How to Be Strong in Every Situation. John Wiley & Sons, 2013. Google Books, books.google.com/books?id=OYP7Ad49RUYC. Accessed 21 Oct. 2024

Schwartz, A. E. "Assertiveness—What Is It?" Assertiveness: Responsible Communication. Waverly, MA: A.E. Schwartz and Associates, 2006. Available online at https://books.google.com/books?id=rgSGZdr56VkC. Accessed 21 Oct. 2024.