Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not acknowledged or considered important by society. An individual’s grief may be disenfranchised because the deceased was not a spouse or a blood relative, the relationship or cause of death is stigmatized, or the deceased was terminally ill or suffering. People also disenfranchise grief about losses that make them uncomfortable, such as a death by suicide or the death of a pet. Dr. Kenneth Doka coined the term “disenfranchised grief” in his book, Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow, published in 1989.

Background

Grief is an emotional response to a loss. While most people associate grief with the loss of a loved one, individuals experience grief for other reasons, such as the loss of a job or the end of a relationship. Those who are grieving feel an intense sadness and may become depressed. In time, however, they accept and cope with the loss, and the severity of their emotions lessens.

When friends and family accept and acknowledge a person’s grief, they try to comfort him or her. They participate in rituals such as funerals to help the bereaved accept the reality of the loss.

This is not the case with disenfranchised grief, however. This type of grief occurs when the bereaved person’s friends and family consider the grief unacceptable and try to minimize it. For example, a friend may tell a person who is grieving the loss of a limb, “Be thankful you’re still alive.” A mother may tell a daughter who has miscarried, “You’re still young. You’ll have other children.” Disenfranchising grief in this way causes the bereaved to feel ashamed. As a result, he or she does not grieve publically and suffers alone and in silence. This prevents the person from being able to move through the grieving process and causes his or her grief to linger longer than usual. Those who have had their grief disenfranchised are at risk of becoming ill, having low self-esteem, and relying on alcohol or drugs to cope. They may also struggle to deal with subsequent losses.

Overview

Experts note that disenfranchised grief is subjective, depending on the society in which the bereaved lives. Some societies accept certain types of grief while others do not. In general, however, experts group disenfranchised grief into these categories:

The death or loss is viewed as unimportant. Society may consider a death unimportant if the deceased was not a spouse or a blood relative. Losses that fall into this category include the following:

• A miscarriage: Even well-meaning individuals may disenfranchise the death of an unborn child by telling the mother and father “it was meant to be” or the death was “for the best.” Family and friends often underestimate the grief that the parents feel about losing an unborn child.
• An ex-spouse: The loss of an ex-spouse or ex-partner is often disenfranchised because the close, personal relationship no longer exists. Family members may not understand an individual’s grief because he or she may have been angry with the deceased before and during the divorce.
• A pet: Well-meaning friends and family members may tell the bereaved that “It was just a cat,” in an effort to help him or her get over the loss. They do not understand or acknowledge that to the bereaved, that particular pet was a source of comfort and love that is no longer there.
• A child given up for adoption: Grieving for a baby or child that was voluntarily given away is often perceived as wrong by society. People do not understand that birth parents often cannot simply forget about the death and move on.

Other losses that may be viewed as unimportant include the loss of a spouse in the military who is missing in action; a step-parent or step-child; a step-grandchild; a foster child or foster parent; an online friend; and a former boyfriend or girlfriend.

The relationship is stigmatized by society. A society may disenfranchise grief over relationships that it considers to be immoral. These relationships include the following:

• A partner from an extramarital affair: Grief from this type of relationship may be disenfranchised because people view the relationship as a mistake. They do not acknowledge that partners in extramarital affairs may have loved each other.
• A same-sex partner: Some families never accept that their adult child is gay and in a same-sex relationship. If their child dies, they may not include his or her partner in the services. They may disenfranchise the partner’s grief.

Other stigmatized relationships include a child lost through abortion; the death of someone in a high-risk group, such as a drug user; and the death of a gang member.

The cause of death is stigmatized by society. In some cases, society may view grief as being inappropriate because of how the individual died. Such causes of death include the following:

• Death by suicide: In some societies, suicide is considered immoral, and those who commit it are thought to be unworthy of grief. Others feel angry at the individual for taking his or her life. Because of this, the grief an individual feels over a person who committed suicide may be disenfranchised.
• Drug overdose: After a person dies of an accidental drug overdose, people often focus on blaming the individual or those around him or her. They are often angry at the deceased for not getting help. Their feelings keep them from acknowledging the grief that others may feel over the loss.

Other causes of death that society stigmatizes include a person killed in a car accident while driving drunk, the death of an incarcerated family member, a person grieving an aborted child, and a death due to HIV/AIDS.

The individual was suffering or very old. Society tends to disenfranchise grief if the deceased was suffering. In such cases, they feel friends and family members should be grateful for the person’s death. When an individual is very old, people tend to disenfranchise grief because they prefer to focus on the fact that the individual has had a long life.

Experts recommend that the bereaved speak up when they feel that someone is disenfranchising their grief. They should explain that their love and grief are real. Talking to others who have experienced a similar loss is also helpful for those who have had their grief disenfranchised.

Bibliography

“Disenfranchised Grief.” Family Health and Psychiatric & Counseling Center, fhpcc.com/disenfranchised-grief/

“Disenfranchised Grief.” Expressive Counseling, www.expressivecounseling.com/articles/disenfranchised-grief-alone-ashamed

Doka, Kenneth, Dr. Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. Lexington Books, 1989.

Hartwell-Walker, Marie. “Causes of Disenfranchised Grief.” Psych Central, pro.psychcentral.com/causes-of-disenfranchised-grief/

Moeller, Stephen. “Disenfranchised Grief.” The Grief Recovery Method, 11 July 2017. www.griefrecoverymethod.com/blog/2017/07/disenfranchised-grief

Stepp, Gina. “Disenfranchised Grief.” Vision, Winter 2007, www.vision.org/visionmedia/grief-and-loss/disenfrachised-grief/2202.aspx