Empty-nest syndrome

Empty-nest syndrome is a term used for the collection of feelings and challenges experienced by some parents whose last or only child has moved out of the home. This can be because the child has gone to college, gotten an apartment, entered the military, or otherwise relocated outside the home in which the child was raised. The syndrome can affect any parent, but it seems most prevalent in stay-at-home parents and single parents. The feelings of loneliness, grief, lack of purpose, and sadness can last a year or more. However, not every parent is affected, and there are steps that can be taken to minimize or eliminate the feelings of loss.

Background

The term empty-nest syndrome first appeared in print in connection with parents coping with their last child leaving home in the 1970s. It is not a medical diagnosis. Instead, it is a cultural description for the emotions and experiences of many parents during the time of transition after their children have gone out on their own.

Experts say that mothers are more likely than fathers to report feelings of sadness and loss of purpose when a child leaves home. The degree to which the parents are involved in their child’s life also appears to have a correlation to the likelihood that parents will experience empty-nest syndrome. For that reason, stay-at-home parents and single parents, who often have dedicated a larger portion of their time and attention to their offspring, are considered to be the most likely to feel lost and sad when that child leaves home.

Overview

The ultimate job of parents is seen as raising children who are capable of going out into the world and thriving on their own. Yet, when children reach the point where they can do that, many parents are struck by how hard it is to let them go. This can result in a period of emotional conflict and contradictory feelings for many parents.

After years of knowing where the child is, what the child is doing, and how he or she is feeling, the parents suddenly have less information about all of these things. The parents must cope with the knowledge that there is little that can be done any longer to protect the child or make sure the child has everything that he or she needs. This change from being in control over many aspects of the child’s life to having little or no control can be very difficult and a cause for anxiety.

In addition, the parents may miss the child’s company and the daily interactions they shared. This can result in a sense of grief over the loss of the child’s presence in their lives. This can be especially intense for parents whose child has entered military service or chosen a profession that has inherent risks, especially when that choice limits the contact parents have with their children. For example, an adult child in military boot camp is often limited to sending letters and only allowed to do so when time permits, creating long stretches when there is no contact between parent and child.

Seeing their child begin to rely on others for advice, comfort, and other provisions previously provided by the parents can also be difficult. This can lead to sadness and a feeling of no longer having a purpose. Some parents begin to feel a lack of identity as a result.

The sadness, grief, and struggle to find a new purpose can take up to a year for some parents to fully resolve. Many parents will find a way to cope with the change in the family dynamic over the course of a few weeks or months. However, some parents experiencing empty-nest syndrome will have a more intense experience. They may become clinically depressed and turn to alcohol or drugs to cope. Some parents may experience struggles with a sense of purpose or even a sense of identity now that they are no longer so intensely identified with their child and their activities. These parents may need professional help to move on and to allow their child to become independent.

Empty-nest syndrome can also create problems in marriages. In many instances, one or both parents become completely focused on their child and the child’s activities. They work long hours to afford the things their child wants or needs, or they spend large portions of their free time taking a child to extracurricular activities or watching the child’s games or performances. In some cases, these activities take the place of the hobbies and pastimes parents used to do as individuals or as a couple with their spouse or partner.

When the child moves on, the parents suddenly have lost the focus of their lives. This may result in a feeling of emptiness in the marriage. The parents may also find that having an empty nest increases the intensity of any problems that existed in the marriage. Once they are freed of the concerns of what a divorce would do to the child’s life, parents may decide these problems are intolerable. The change to an empty nest can also correspond with a time when parents are also coping with physical changes such as menopause and with the need to care for elderly parents. All of this can put a strain on marriages. Experts have noticed a trend toward increasing numbers of divorces in couples in their fifties who have recently sent their children out on their own.

However, there can also be positive effects from an empty nest. Many parents are able to look with pride on their child’s new independence and see it as a sign of a job well done. This can increase the parents’ self-esteem and feelings of well-being. Having launched a child into the world can also free up resources of time and money that can be redirected to other purposes. Many parents see this as a very positive thing and enjoy new hobbies and activities. Parents can also use their newly found free time to reconnect and rebuild their relationship with their spouse or significant other.

Experts say there are steps parents can take to minimize the effects of empty-nest syndrome. Finding ways to keep in touch with the child that respect his or her new independence can help minimize anxiety and keep family connections alive. Planning ahead to have activities, hobbies, or new personal challenges can make the time after a child leaves home seem more beneficial and enjoyable. Another possibility is to plan future fun activities with the child, such as holiday breaks or a vacation.

Bibliography

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Better, Nancy M. “The Empty Nest Book Hatchery.” New York Times, 10 Oct. 2014, www.nytimes.com/2014/10/12/fashion/the-empty-nest-book-hatchery.html. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018.

Donahue, Wendy. “The 25-Year Itch: Empty Nesters and the Second Half of Marriage.” U.S. Catholic, Aug. 2012, www.uscatholic.org/life/2012/06/25-year-itch-empty-nesters-and-second-half-marriage. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018.

Emling, Shelley. “4 Things They Never Tell You about Empty Nest Syndrome.” Huffington Post, 23 Jan. 2014, www.huffingtonpost.com/shelley-emling/empty-nest-syndrome‗b‗3956231.html. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018.

“Empty Nest Syndrome.” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/empty-nest-syndrome. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018.

“Empty Nest Syndrome: Tips for Coping.” Mayo Clinic, www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/empty-nest-syndrome/art-20047165. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018.

Heffernan, Lisa, and Jennifer Breheny Wallace. “How to Thrive in an Empty Nest.” New York Times,2 Aug. 2017, www.nytimes.com/2017/08/02/well/family/how-to-thrive-in-an-empty-nest.html. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018.

Wells, Allison. “How Parents Cope When Their Children Join the Military.” Upstate Parent, 13 Aug. 2018, www.upstateparent.com/story/life/2018/08/13/baby-puts-uniform-parents-cope-children-join-military/37462111/. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018.