Shame (social emotion)

Shame is an emotional response to a failure, shortcoming, or other transgression of what society expects or what a person expects of themself. It is sometimes experienced as a desire to leave a situation or never to face those who witnessed the failure or transgression again. While shame is similar to guilt, there are some significant differences. The most notable difference is that guilt is tied to a specific event and generally involves some sort of intentional behavior, while the shame is felt as an all-encompassing failure and can be the result of unintentional actions or no action at all. Some degree of shame is useful in helping to shape behavior to conform to expected norms, but excessive or unwarranted shame can have a detrimental effect on a person's mental and physical health.

Background

Scientists have discovered that very young infants can experience shame. When a parent ignores a child who is expecting attention, that child can experience the rejection—even if it is unintentional—as a personal feeling of unworthiness and shame. Children who are scolded for doing something over which they have limited or no control, such as soiling a diaper, are also capable of feeling shame. Physical and sexual abuse and other traumatic experiences, especially those that occur in childhood, can lead to the development of shame as well.

Psychologists believe that shame develops from the human need for approval from others. When people feel that someone disapproves of them or something about them, shame can result. This can happen when people have actually done something shameful, such as harming another person or animal, or when something happens that they have little or no control over, such as accidentally spilling food or being unable to afford expensive clothing.

While shame and guilt are similar emotions and people can experience both at the same time from the same cause, the two emotions are not the same. Guilt is usually felt over something the person has done or failed to do. It involves the feeling that one has done something wrong and often the feeling that one must right the wrong or make restitution. Guilt is usually tied only to that particular failing, and it dissipates once the person apologizes or makes up for the mistake or failure in some other way.

Shame, on the other hand, is an encompassing feeling of failure or of not measuring up. It can also pass quickly, as it might stem from a small violation of social norms, such as burping in a quiet classroom. However, shame can also linger as a personal feeling of unworthiness. This can especially be the case when it results from disapproval of someone important to the person feeling the shame, such as a parent or close family member.

Overview

The discomfort caused by shame can be both a positive and a negative motivation. Some level of shame helps to shape behavior to meet the acceptable norms of the society in which a person lives. For example, behaviors such as dressing modestly or carrying a bag to clean up after one's dog during a walk are often motivated by a desire to avoid shame. In these instances, a desire to conform to the norms and the discomfort felt when individuals fail to meet these norms work to shape behavior in a positive way.

However, some forms of disapproval result in shame that is not productive. This is especially true of shame that becomes an overwhelming and all-encompassing feeling of a lack of self-worth. Some psychologists call this toxic shame, and it is often caused by chronic exposure to situations that cause shame.

There are many possible triggers for feelings of shame. Anything that makes people question their value can cause shame. Failure to meet certain levels of achievement can also trigger shame. For instance, a person who becomes unemployed and can no longer meet financial obligations may feel shame. Shame can also be triggered by other failures or disappointments, such as not making a sports team or getting a low grade on a test.

How shame feels depends to some degree on the person experiencing it and how seriously that person perceives the shortcoming to be. In some mild cases, such as making an inappropriate bodily sound in a public place, shame may be experienced as blushing, a sensation of warmth, or a need to avert one's eyes. The person may also hope that something quickly distracts those who may have witnessed the embarrassing event. In more serious cases, the person feeling shame may wish to disappear completely. Some people may take out their feelings of shame and inadequacy on others. For instance, some psychologists feel shame is at the root of many cases of bullying.

Shame can manifest itself in other ways, depending on what triggered it. Someone who fails on a test or in an athletic contest might feel discouragement. This temporary form of shame can often be erased with the next success at the same task. A person who spills food or trips while walking across a stage during a presentation may experience embarrassment or a feeling of discomfort, but these feelings do not usually last. Shyness and self-consciousness can also be manifestations of shame, especially when a person is afraid of doing something wrong or inappropriate that might cause embarrassment.

The most severe display of shame is experienced as an inferiority complex, when a person has the feeling that nothing that they do is right or meets the expectations of others. A person who is experiencing this can often withdraw in many ways to avoid experiencing any disapproval. This, in itself, can sometimes result in disapproval from others and intensify the feelings of shame for the person. Shame can become a particular problem when it leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as drug or alcohol abuse.

There are some ways to minimize or eliminate shame. These include adjusting personal standards to allow for imperfection, avoiding self-blame when a situation does not warrant it, and confessing feelings of shame to someone else. Very often, talking to someone else can provide a new perspective that reduces or eliminates shameful feelings.

Bibliography

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