Coparenting
Coparenting refers to the collaborative effort of two parents to raise a child together in a non-romantic relationship, often following separation or divorce. This approach emphasizes the importance of maintaining a respectful and communicative partnership for the benefit of the child. Research supports that children thrive in environments where parents demonstrate mutual respect and minimize conflict, leading to greater emotional security and self-esteem. While coparenting can be challenging, especially for separated couples, many experts recommend that parents focus on establishing a new, child-centered relationship, setting aside personal grievances. Consistency in parenting styles and rules across both homes is crucial to reduce stress during transitions. In cases where amicable communication proves difficult, some parents may resort to parallel parenting, where minimal direct interaction occurs, allowing for a structured approach to co-parenting. Ultimately, the goal of coparenting is to create a supportive environment that fosters the child's well-being and development, regardless of the parents' past relationship.
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Subject Terms
Coparenting
Coparenting refers to two parents working together platonically to raise a child. In many cases, the parents are former partners who separated or divorced. Research shows that growing up with parents who respect one another has a positive effect on children while being exposed to frequent parental conflict negatively affects them. For this reason, parents engaging in coparenting should carefully work to make transitions between parental homes as smooth as possible.
Coparenting is not always easy. Separated or divorced parents sometimes struggle to behave amicably. When parents cannot restrain themselves from conflict, they may adopt a practice called parallel parenting. In this variant of coparenting, parents agree to extreme limitations on contacting one another.
Background
In the United States, the term coparenting refers to two parents working together to raise a child without engaging in a romantic relationship. In most cases, coparenting takes place after the parents separate or divorce. It may also be referred to as joint or shared parenting.
Coparenting may be similar to single-custody arrangements. In these scenarios, after separation, one parent takes on the primary responsibilities associated with raising the child. In some scenarios, such as separations involving substance abuse or domestic violence, this is often the correct choice for the child’s welfare.
Research suggests that the relationship between the parents significantly impacts a child’s emotional state. Because of this, many experts recommend coparenting after a separation. This often requires arranging for children to split their time between parents. It also requires the separated parents to continue regular communication after their separation.
Children of parents who successfully practice coparenting often feel more secure than children of single parents. They are more confident that both parents love and support them, resulting in higher self-esteem and a greater ability to adapt to changing circumstances. Additionally, children of separated couples who successfully coparent learn about problem-solving. They see their parents working together to achieve a common goal, even if they might not get along, and may follow that example in their own personal lives.
Overview
Coparenting is sometimes difficult for parents. Many separated couples seek to spend as little time as possible with one another. Some may prefer to lead entirely separate lives. However, determined parents can work together to maintain a pleasant relationship for the sake of raising children. Some psychologists recommend that separated parents imagine that their old relationship with their former partner has ended.
Parents should then imagine that they are building an entirely new relationship, one solely focused on working together to raise their children. The separated couple’s personal lives, including their past together, is not relevant to raising their child. Any emotions that the parents still feel about their separation, including pain, anger, and resentment, come secondary to their child’s needs.
Sometimes, it may be unavoidable to feel hurt and angry when thinking about an ex-partner. However, coparents need to find ways to express such emotions away from their children. Venting feelings to friends, coworkers, or therapists may be a way to feel better without involving children.
Children should never be used as messengers between parents. It can make them feel caught in the middle of conflicts between the separated couple. If one parent reacts negatively to a message the child has delivered, the child may blame him- or herself.
Coparents should provide consistency for their children. Rules such as bed times should be similar in both homes. Regularly moving between environments with different rulesets can be stressful for children. Additionally, one parent being significantly more permissive than the other can lead to additional tension in the relationship between the coparents.
In most coparenting situations, children must regularly transfer from one home to another. These transitions can sometimes be jarring for children, especially younger children. It may help to remind them that they’ll be transitioning to the other parent’s home days before they do so. This ensures that children will not be surprised by the sudden change. Additionally, parents should try to drop off their children at the other parent’s home, not pick them up. If parents only drop off their child, they avoid interrupting any sensitive or special moments between their child and the other parent.
If parents find themselves completely unable to act amicably, experts recommend a practice called parallel parenting, which is a coparenting process that encourages parents to directly interact as little as possible. It works best when both parents commit to the practice and maintain their agreed-upon rules.
Parents engaging in parallel parenting should agree that they will communicate in a business-like manner, and solely about information relating to their children. They should never use a child for this communication and make efforts to talk when the child is not present. They should work together to maintain a shared schedule for the child, which should not be changed without written agreement from both parents. Though not ideal, parallel parenting allows both parents to be a steady presence in their child’s life while minimizing otherwise unavoidable conflict.
Bibliography
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Kruk, Edward. “Parallel Parenting After Divorce.” Psychology Today, 1 Sept. 2013, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201309/parallel-parenting-after-divorce. Accessed 28 Feb. 2020.
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Smith, Sylvia. “The Difference Between Co-Parenting and Parallel Parenting.” Marriage.com, 5 Apr. 2018, goodmenproject.com/divorce/the-6-challenges-of-co-parenting-vs-parallel-parenting-cmtt/. Accessed 28 Feb. 2020.
“What Is Co-Parenting?” CoParents.com, 2019, www.coparents.com/coparenting/what-is-co-parenting.php. Accessed 28 Feb. 2020.