Grey rock method (grey rocking)

The grey rock method, also known as grey rocking, is a way to deal with people who are abusive, manipulative, or narcissistic. It involves minimizing any reaction to their abusive or manipulative words or actions to reduce the gratification they receive from this behavior and hopefully extinguish it. While anecdotal evidence exists in support of grey rocking, it has not been subjected to much scientific study and little scientific evidence exists indicating its success. Risks are also involved because when the grey rock method works, it often causes the undesirable behavior to escalate before it stops. Experts suggest seeking professional help to manage the situation and provide support before attempting to grey rock someone who is or could become abusive.

Background

A mental health blogger posting under the name Skylar came up with the name for the grey rock method in 2012. Skylar wrote under an assumed name to protect herself from a narcissistic partner who had drained her bank accounts and threatened her. Skylar had recently left this long-term abusive relationship and discussed it with a man she met in a bar who dealt with a similar situation. He noted that a good way to deal with abusive, drama-filled partners was to become boring. According to the man, withholding the drama and reactions they crave causes them to either lose interest and leave on their own or change their behavior.

Skylar thought that this was a very good suggestion. She likened it to grey rocks and pebbles, which can be all around us without being seen or noticed. She posted a blog post suggesting that people in abusive, narcissistic, drama-filled relationships become like those grey pebbles, withholding the drama and excitable reactions that the other person craved. It generated a tremendous response, with many claiming that the technique alleviated their difficult situations, and the term “grey rock method,” “grey rock technique,” or simply “grey rocking” stuck.

Overview

Grey rocking refers to ignoring, downplaying, or avoiding emotional responses to an abusive, narcissistic, or overly dramatic person to hopefully quash their behavior. The recommended technique is to become as low-key, uninteresting, and boring as possible. It involves shutting down all extreme reactions to whatever the other person says or does. Answers to questions are brief and unemotional. Reactions to any powerplays or provocative words and actions are stifled and low-key. If a person is trying to deter someone who is obsessed with them, they should change how they dress and wear makeup, as well as any other element that the harassing individual might be attracted to. In other words, they should become as unattractive as possible. In theory, this will cause the other person to lose interest in them and abandon their problematic behavior.

The practice of grey rocking is a form of withdrawal from the relationship. However, it is not the same as physical withdrawal, which is not always possible. Grey rocking is used when a person must remain in the relationship for some reason, such as to try to repair a marriage, avoid leaving a job, or tolerate a blood relative.

Psychologists say that narcissistic individuals have an overinflated sense of their own importance that leads them to assume they should always be in control of a situation. They also both need and demand attention, and either do not understand or do not care that others also have needs and feelings. When they are in a relationship with someone who reacts dramatically with tears or shouting, it feeds their desire for attention and power. The premise behind grey rocking is that ignoring the behavior starves them of the attention they seek, which will hopefully lead them either to change their behavior or move on.

The technique is also said to work with individuals who are overly dramatic and constantly try to draw others into the drama of their lives. Giving simple, unemotional, and unhelpful responses is also said to deprive them of the drama and attention they seek and cause them to stop. For example, a person dealing with someone who makes frequent calls for “advice” about how to deal with an endless stream of problems might simply and flatly reply, “I don’t know,” every time she’s asked for advice. This encourages the person to seek other outlets for attention.

Almost no scientific research has been conducted into the effectiveness of the technique, and no documented studies exist to show that it works. However, individual anecdotal stories posted on the Internet indicate that some people have successfully improved or ended stressful relationships using this technique. The technique can be challenging to implement, however. Applying the principles long enough for the technique to work may be difficult. Someone who lives with a narcissist or has an overly dramatic coworker might find it extremely difficult to stifle their own emotions as consistently as necessary. In situations where extreme lifestyle changes are needed, such as changing one’s wardrobe, it may be challenging or expensive to make the necessary alterations.

A more serious potential risk is that grey rocking will escalate the undesirable behavior, especially in narcissistic individuals who may become verbally or even physically abusive as a means of asserting their power and authority. This can be especially true if they think their authority and power are being threatened. The pressure exerted by the narcissist may even escalate before any improvement is noted. This can be especially dangerous in situations where abuse is possible or likely. For this reason, experts recommend that anyone who is in an abusive relationship or one that seems as if it may become abusive seek the help of a professional before beginning grey rocking. The professional can guide the process and provide support during the efforts.

Bibliography

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Wisner, Wendy. “Can the Grey Rock Method Protect You from Toxic Behavior?” Verywell Mind, 22 May 2023, www.verywellmind.com/the-grey-rock-method-7483417. Accessed 2 Sept. 2023.