Unrequited love
Unrequited love is a complex emotional experience where one person harbors romantic feelings for someone who does not reciprocate those feelings. This lack of mutual affection can lead to significant emotional turmoil for the admirer, who may find themselves grappling with longing and heartbreak. Often rooted in idealized views of romance, unrequited love can manifest in various ways, from distant admiration to persistent pursuit, and typically arises from situations such as platonic friendships or workplace interactions. The experience can also affect the beloved, who may feel flattered initially but eventually must navigate unwanted advances and the guilt of rejecting someone.
Historically and culturally, unrequited love has been a prevalent theme in literature, with notable examples including *Cyrano de Bergerac*, *The Hunchback of Notre Dame*, and *Gone with the Wind*. Psychologically, unrequited love can impact self-esteem, leading admirers to cope through acceptance of the situation, acknowledgment of rejection, and minimizing contact with the object of their affection. It is a common experience, with studies suggesting that a vast majority of people encounter it at some point in their lives. While often portrayed as a source of pain, the phenomenon is also a universal part of the human experience in the search for meaningful connections.
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Unrequited love
In psychology, unrequited love occurs when a person falls in love with someone who does not return the admirer's feelings. The object of affection rejects the would-be lover's pursuit or may be unaware of the admirer's romantic interest.
Unrequited love is associated with idealized notions of romance, but it inevitably ends in heartbreak. Would-be lovers struggle with unfulfilled yearning, while beloved individuals must discourage unwanted advances.
The unreciprocated attraction can hurt an individual's self-esteem. Unrequited lovers can cope by accepting the reality of the situation, acknowledging rejection, and limiting communication with the object of their affinity.
Unrequited love is an enduring theme in literature. Popular examples include Cyrano de Bergerac, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Gone with the Wind.
Background
There are two sides to unrequited love. The unrequited lover harbors romantic feelings for a potential partner. Admirers long for the object of their affection and indulge in romantic fantasies. They hope one day that the pair will start a relationship. However, the beloved does not feel the same way, turning down the admirer. Some recipients never know the unrequited lover's true feelings.
The concept of unrequited love goes back to ancient times. In the Egyptian civilization's writing system, called hieroglyphics, the symbol for love translated to "a long desire."
One of the most famous examples of unrequited love in history involves medieval Italian poet Dante and his muse, Beatrice Portinari. Dante fell in love with Portinari at first sight when she was only nine years old, but the poet was promised to marry someone else. After Portinari's death in 1290, Dante chronicled his secret love for her in La Vita Nuova in 1295. She also appears as his guide through Heaven in The Divine Comedy, completed in the early 1320s.
Unrequited love can manifest itself in different ways. It can start as a crush, which develops into a long-standing infatuation. Admirers may desire someone from a distance, never telling the individual about their romantic feelings. Conversely, unrequited lovers may relentlessly pursue the object of their affection, making their intentions known.
There are two main paths to unrequited love. The attraction can be based on an existing connection or the pursuit of someone more desirable.
Most often, unrequited love grows out of platonic friendships. One friend may feel an underlying attraction toward the other. It can develop in the workplace when a coworker has feelings for another employee. It can spring up when a former flame wants to rekindle a romance. Unrequited love can also occur during a mutually satisfying relationship when a person decides to leave, but the other individual is still in love.
Admirers may encounter unrequited love when they find someone more attractive than they are. The person may possess physical qualities or personality traits that appeal to the would-be lover. Pursuers may be drawn to the individual's beauty, sense of humor, or intelligence.
Unrequited love is quite common. According to a 1993 study by psychologist Roy Baumeister, 98 percent of the participants said they had experienced unrequited love. Men are more likely to fall for someone who does not return their affection, the study found.
Overview
Unrequited love is full of emotional highs and lows. The experience can be painful for both admirers and the objects of their devotion.
Unrequited lovers sustain their passion for their beloved through hope. They are optimistic the objects of their affinity will one day love them back. Eventually, however, the admirers become disillusioned, realizing their efforts are fruitless.
The failure to pursue the one they love can leave unrequited lovers feeling hurt, humiliated, and depressed. The stinging defeat of rejection can erode their self-confidence.
Most stories about unrequited love focus on the agony of the admirer, but the recipient also suffers. At first, the objects of unwanted affection are initially flattered by the would-be lovers' attention. However, as time goes on, the beloved must deflect unsought advances. The recipient may become frustrated by the unrequited lover's persistent pursuit.
Recipients of unrequited love also feel guilty for wanting to reject their suitors, but they are afraid of hurting their feelings. Instead of spurning them outright, the beloved individuals may avoid telling their pursuers the truth—that they do not share their romantic interest—and hope the infatuation fades. To lessen the blow during rejection, the beloved individuals may also sugarcoat their words, saying they are not interested in a relationship at the current time.
However, this strategy can backfire. The appeasing language may give the would-be lovers just enough hope to hang on to the possibility of a future romance. In extreme cases, admirers' unrequited love can turn into obsession and stalking.
Unrequited love results in unhappiness and heartbreak. Admirers can cope with doomed relationships in three ways.
First, unrequited lovers must accept the reality of the situation. Pursuers must admit the objects of their devotion do not love them back. It does not mean the unwanted suitor is undeserving or unattractive.
Second, admirers must acknowledge rejection and the feelings that accompany it, including sadness and loneliness. They may realize they were not the right partner for their beloved, and vice versa.
Finally, unrequited lovers should minimize contact with the recipients of their affection. They are mourning the loss of a relationship they never had, but keeping in touch could keep the hope of having one alive. A clean break allows the admirer to move on from the infatuation.
Unrequited love is a common theme in literary works. French dramatist Edmond Rostand's 1897 play Cyrano de Bergerac follows the noble soldier Cyrano de Bergerac, a gifted poet in love with his beautiful cousin Roxane. Cyrano, ashamed of his large nose, helps the handsome cadet Christian woo Roxane by writing romantic poetry to her under Christian's name.
In The Hunchback of Notre Dame, written by French author Victor Hugo in 1831, deformed hunchback Quasimodo falls in love with the stunning gypsy Esmeralda after she shows him kindness. After Esmeralda is hanged, Quasimodo kills the priest responsible for her death.
American writer Margaret Mitchell's epic 1936 novel Gone with the Wind follows selfish Southern belle Scarlett O'Hara, who is in love with the mild-mannered Ashley Wilkes. Ashley loves his cousin Melanie, but he does not fully reject Scarlett's feelings, which she hangs on to despite her many marriages. The romance was adapted into a cinematic masterpiece in 1939.
Unrequited love is a phenomenon that almost everyone experiences. As people search for true love, they will likely encounter unrequited love and the heartbreak it brings on the way to finding a lasting relationship.
Bibliography
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Kovach, Catherine. "11 of the Best Books about Unrequited Love, Because We've All Been There." Bustle, 21 Sept. 2015, www.bustle.com/articles/111505-11-of-the-best-books-about-unrequited-love-because-weve-all-been-there. Accessed 6 Nov. 2017.
Mullan, John. "Ten of the Best Examples of Unrequited Love." Guardian, 20 Mar. 2009, www.theguardian.com/books/2009/mar/21/unrequited-love-way-we-live-now. Accessed 6 Nov. 2017.
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