Gentle parenting

Gentle parenting is a style of parenting that encourages caregivers to act with compassion and understanding, rather than with punishments or force. It is meant to help children feel they have a significant say in family decisions while still allowing the parent to remain in control of a situation. This style of parenting requires the parents to act as examples, fostering a positive relationship with their children and encouraging children to model their behavior. It also involves avoiding punishing children for acting out, and instead advocates for teaching children better ways to express their feelings. Gentle parenting is often contrasted with authoritarian parenting, which teaches children that they should obey their parents without question. Though gentle parenting is sometimes compared to permissive parenting, it gives children a sense of consistency and guidance that permissive parenting often lacks.

Background

The primary purpose of parenting is to raise children to become fully functional adults with the ability to sustain themselves and contribute to society in a positive manner. Though this process has been conducted throughout human history, no one ideal style of parenting has emerged. Instead, many styles of parenting have been developed, each with benefits and drawbacks.

Though neglectful and abusive parents exist, and many parents carrying out neglectful and abusive practices are aware that they may be harming the futures of their children, most parents tend to have their children’s best interests in mind when they interact with their offspring. However, many parents are unaware of the negative consequences that tend to be associated with certain parenting styles. People raised by parents utilizing a specific style may assume that it is the correct way to raise children, then repeat harmful practices with their own children. For these reasons, it is important for parents to understand the pros and cons of the primary styles of parenting identified by child psychologists: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved or neglectful.

Authoritarian parents tend to focus on forcing children to be obedient. They believe that children should follow the rules set by their parents and other authority figures. According to authoritarian parents, children should not question rules. Instead, they should trust in the wisdom of their elders.

Many authoritarian parents use punishments to force children to obey rules. They do not discipline children as a way to teach them to make better choices. Instead, they design scenarios that make children feel bad for their mistakes. Authoritarian parents hope that children who routinely feel bad for their mistakes will avoid making those mistakes as adults.

In some ways, authoritarian parenting may be successful. Children raised in an authoritarian manner tend to be more likely to obey rules as adults. However, they may also be at higher risk of low self-esteem or may develop aggressive personalities.

Authoritative parents ensure that children are aware that the parents are the primary decision-makers in a household. They establish rules and boundaries, then enforce consequences if those boundaries are not respected. Authoritative parents work to develop a positive relationship with their children. They take their children’s feelings into account when creating rules and ensure that children understand the reasons for the rules.

Authoritative parents tend to use reward systems rather than punishment to encourage positive behavior in children. This helps children to learn to obey rules while increasing their self-esteem. For these reasons, children raised by authoritative parents are more likely to be happy and successful as adults.

Like authoritarian and authoritative parents, permissive parents set rules and boundaries for their children. However, they rarely enforce consequences for disrespecting those rules. They tend to be extremely forgiving and may believe that children will learn good habits with little interference from parents. They may also enjoy that their children treat them more as a friend than an authority figure. However, permissive parenting tends to teach children that rules can be broken without consequences. This may cause the formation of bad habits, such as poor hygiene and poor eating habits, that persist into adulthood.

Uninvolved parents may not bother to set rules and boundaries for their children. They do not display much interest in their children’s lives and rarely spend time with their children. This process leaves children to teach themselves how to act as adults instead of relying on instruction from parental figures. Some uninvolved parents struggle from mental health issues or substance abuse problems that interfere with their ability to effectively act as parents, while others are simply disinterested in parenthood. Children who are raised by uninvolved parents tend to perform poorly in school and often struggle with behavioral problems.

Overview

Gentle parenting is a specialized style of parenting that seeks to draw a balance between lax and rigid parenting styles. The term was coined by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a British doula, mother, and author, in one of her series of parenting books. Gentle parenting is a form of authoritative parenting that relies on an understanding of child development.

Gentle parenting involves establishing a respectful relationship with children. Parents acknowledge that the feelings experienced by children are valid, even though children may experience some feelings more strongly than adults. Parents encourage children to acknowledge and accept their feelings rather than suppress expression of those feelings. For example, if an infant is crying, parents try to avoid getting upset with their child. Instead, they should work to understand the feelings that the infant is experiencing and provide a comforting experience, for example by holding the baby.

Gentle parenting notes that sometimes children are going to act out, and people exercising gentle caregiving are required to adjust their expectations accordingly. They need to remain compassionate and calm even when children are acting in an unpleasant manner. Instead of condemning the child for acting out, parents choose to examine why the child is acting negatively. If the child’s reasons for acting out can be fixed, the parent and child may solve them together. If they cannot immediately be addressed, the parent should coach the child through methods of dealing with their feelings in a healthy manner. Additionally, when a child acts out, parents must ensure they condemn the behavior, not the child. This contrasts with authoritarian parenting, which commonly uses shame as a motivating force.

Gentle parenting does not advocate for the use of punishments or rewards to convince children to follow rules. Parents may allow young children to have a minor say in the rules themselves, while still retaining overall control of the situation. For example, a parent may ask, “Would you like to leave the store in ten minutes or fifteen minutes?” However, as children age, parents should adjust their approach accordingly. Parents practicing gentle parenting need to continuously develop an emotional bond with their children, teaching them that trusting in the wisdom of a parent is usually the best solution. To retain this trust, parents need to admit when they are wrong and apologize to the child. Ideally, children raised by gentle parenting techniques should look at their parents as examples. When they want to follow in their parents’ footsteps, children are more likely to follow rules. For this reason, parents must follow their own rules.

When practicing gentle parenting, rules may be somewhat flexible. If a child is repeatedly struggling to follow a particular rule, parents may be willing to negotiate that rule. The child plays a part in finding the solution. Parents might consider whether the problem is with the rule itself rather than the child’s behavior.

While gentle parenting is more relaxed than authoritative and authoritarian parenting, it is more stringent than permissive parenting. Parents continuously guide their children to encourage them to act correctly and discourage them from acting in negative fashion. This provides children with consistency and guidance that permissive parenting does not offer.

Gentle parenting requires a great deal of patience and may be particularly difficult for new parents to carry out. Many parents find the behavior of young children to be frustrating, and struggle to continuously interact with their children in a calm, compassionate manner. Many new parents become too stressed or tired to react calmly and compassionately when their children act out. They may struggle to understand the reasons for their children’s behavior and may be tempted to punish the child for inappropriate actions.

Bibliography

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