Hoovering
Hoovering is a term that describes a manipulative behavior often employed by individuals with narcissistic traits to reestablish contact with a former partner or friend after a relationship has ended. The name derives from the Hoover vacuum cleaner, metaphorically likening the narcissist's attempt to draw someone back into a relationship to the way a vacuum cleans up everything in its path. Initially, hoovering may appear benign, starting with simple check-in messages or birthday wishes. However, it typically escalates to more intense behaviors, including promises to change or emotional appeals that may involve exaggerated claims of distress, such as illness or suicidal thoughts.
This tactic is particularly concerning as it can lead the targeted individual back into a toxic relationship, where the narcissist may continue to manipulate and abuse them emotionally. While not all attempts to reconnect are hoovering, the key distinguishing factor is the narcissist’s past behavior and motives, which often disregard the other person's feelings. Experts recommend avoiding engagement with individuals who exhibit hoovering behavior, as the chances for genuine change are minimal without professional intervention. Instead, individuals affected by such tactics are encouraged to seek support from therapists or counselors to navigate their emotions and experiences.
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Hoovering
Hoovering is an emotionally abusive technique used by many narcissists to attempt to reengage with a past partner and draw them back into a relationship. This practice takes its name from the vacuum cleaners manufactured by the Hoover Company. It implies that, like a vacuum, the narcissist’s goal is to suck an ex-partner or friend back into the relationship where the narcissist will then suck all the joy and pleasure out of the other person’s life. Hoovering can seem innocent at first; it can often start with a simple message, text, or note that says something like, “Just checking to see how you’re doing.” While this could be a true message of caring from some individuals, things generally escalate with a narcissist. Hoovering behavior will often progress to promises to change behaviors or providing the target with extravagant gifts. Giving in to hoovering is tempting but can be dangerous. It is frequently a factor when an abused woman is convinced to return to a relationship with her abuser, which often leads to more—and perhaps more severe—abuse.
Background
Narcissism is a psychological trait in which people become so focused on their own needs and concerns that they disregard the needs and feelings of others. Some narcissists may be aware of how others feel, they are just so self-absorbed that they do not care. Others may be so intent on their own feelings, needs, and desires that they truly do not understand how the things they say and do affect others.
Like many psychological conditions, narcissism occurs in degrees that are classified in a spectrum, from lowest degree to highest. Nearly everyone exhibits narcissistic traits sometimes, but a person is not considered a narcissist unless they demonstrate self-absorption on a regular basis. Those who display the highest degree of narcissistic behaviors are considered to have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
The two main types of narcissism are usually caused by different childhood experiences. The grandiose narcissist has usually been told repeatedly that they are better than everyone else and deserve better than anyone else. They tend to overstate their own importance, brag about accomplishments, be more dominant and aggressive, and lack empathy for others. The other type, the vulnerable narcissist, was most likely abused during childhood. They adopt narcissistic tendencies as a form of self-protection and may fluctuate between feeling confident and insecure.
Narcissists tend to feel self-important and deserving of special treatment and consideration; they become rude, harsh, and condescending if they do not get this. They often manipulate others to get what they want. They can appear very charming and accommodating, but that is usually a preliminary manipulative step to try to guilt or coerce people into giving them what they want, which is generally admiration, praise, and their own way. Narcissists generally refuse to take responsibility when something has gone wrong and tend to blame others for any failures or problems, even when the narcissist clearly caused them. They lack empathy, so they are either unaware or unconcerned about how their behavior affects those around them. When a relationship ends before they are ready for it to be over, they will often turn to hoovering to try to draw their former friend or partner back into the relationship.
Overview
Hoovering happens when a narcissist is unhappy after a relationship ends, or, if the narcissist ended the relationship, to keep the rejected person available should the narcissist have need of them. It can be used in any kind of relationship, such as a friendship, but is very commonly a tactic used against a former romantic partner. A breakup may trigger this reaction for a variety of reasons. The lack of control over the other person, the loss of a continual source of praise and admiration, the need to have a scapegoat to blame for failure, and feelings of rejection make them very uncomfortable and even frightened. As a result, narcissists will attempt to manipulate their former friend or partner into returning to the relationship using any means they think will get them what they want. The two most common ploys used by narcissists to achieve this goal are gaslighting and hoovering. Gaslighting is another form of emotional abuse where one person attempts to convince the other that they are imagining things, remembering things incorrectly, or otherwise not correctly understanding something that is going on around them. The narcissist’s purpose is to convince the other person there is something wrong with them and they need the narcissist.
Hoovering takes a different approach. It generally begins with the narcissist attempting to restore communication with a seemingly innocent contact. The narcissist may text to check how the other person is doing, or to extend good wishes for a birthday or holiday. The individual may make promises to stop certain behaviors that led to the breakup, vow to change in some other way, or send or deliver gifts. More desperate narcissists might beg for help with an emergency, for example by claiming to have a serious illness or injury or a death in the family, or even threatening suicide if the other person does not return. If the narcissist is unsuccessful in reaching their target directly, the individual may involve relatives or friends in a pressure or sympathy campaign.
Not all these behaviors are automatically considered hoovering or emotional abuse. This is especially true of the simplest forms, such as extending a good wish for a birthday or checking on a person’s wellbeing. What makes these acts hoovering are the person’s past conduct and motive; a person who has generally disregarded the feelings and needs of their friend or partner in the past is not likely to start doing so because the relationship has ended.
Despite past experiences, the person being emotionally abused via hoovering is often very tempted to return to the relationship. This is especially common when the narcissist has made passionate promises to reform or when the individual seems to be in pain. The narcissist uses others’ empathy against them. For example, it’s generally very difficult for someone to turn away from a former friend or lover who is threatening to commit suicide even if that person has a long history of inflicting abuse. However, experts say that a narcissist who has reached this stage is unlikely to change without expert help. They recommend avoiding contact with the person, even indirectly through others. If the narcissist threatens suicide, experts recommend contacting police and asking them to conduct a wellness check on the narcissist. If feelings of guilt or other negative emotions are tied to the relationship, experts recommend consulting a therapist for help.
Bibliography
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Lamothe, Cindy. “Got an Overbearing Ex? They Might Be Hoovering.” Healthline, 17 Dec. 2019, www.healthline.com/health/hoovering. Accessed 14 Sept. 2022.
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“What Is Hoovering?” Narcissist Abuse Support, narcissistabusesupport.com/red-flags/what-is-hoovering/. Accessed 14 Sept. 2022.
Whitbourne, Susan Krauss. “Who’s Most Likely to Hoover Their Partner?” Psychology Today, 9 Oct. 2021, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/202110/who-s-most-likely-hoover-their-partner. Accessed 14 Sept. 2022.